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By Bananaking for HistoryGoneBananas 🍌
Setting the Stage: Moscow or Bust
September 7, 1812. Napoleon Bonaparte had one big dream: march into Moscow like it was his personal Airbnb. Standing in the way? Russian General Mikhail Kutuzov—an old war dog who knew that sometimes the best strategy is to keep stepping back and let your enemy trip over himself.
What happened at Borodino was less a battle and more a thunderous meat grinder with uniforms. Cannons roared, muskets smoked, people shouted in languages nobody understood over the din—and by the end of the day, 70,000 soldiers were either gone for good or wishing they were.
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The “Victory” That Was Actually a Loss
Napoleon technically won. His French army inched forward, planted its flag, and told Europe: “Behold, we are victorious!”
But here’s the catch: losing tens of thousands of your best troops for a patch of land is like bankrupting yourself to win Monopoly. Kutuzov simply retreated, regrouped, and left Napoleon to stew. And looming in the background? The undefeated heavyweight champion of Russian history: Winter.
Spoiler alert: Snow, hunger, and exhaustion would reduce the once-mighty French army into frozen, baguette-less misery by the time they tried to march home.
Why History Nerds Love Borodino
Historians see Borodino as Napoleon’s turning point—the high point of his power and the beginning of his collapse.
History geeks obsess over the brutality: a single day of slaughter with no decisive outcome.
Casual history fans learn that “winning” often comes with an asterisk the size of Siberia.
Silly Lessons From 1812
Napoleon proved you can win so hard you lose.
Kutuzov mastered the “strategic shrug” defense.
Winter remained Russia’s MVP—undefeated since 1242.
Life tip: if you’re planning to invade Russia… just, you know, don’t.
Final Thoughts from Bananaking 🍌
The Battle of Borodino is history’s favorite “gotcha moment.” Napoleon claimed glory, but what he really took home was a lifetime supply of regret and frostbite. It’s proof that history doesn’t just repeat—it mocks.
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